Saturday, April 16, 2005

Godzilla Distraught Over Chinese Protests

SHANGHAI, China _ Tens of thousands of Chinese protestors threw rocks at the Japanese consulate and several Japanese restaurants today, chanting "Japanese pigs get out!" We here at The Corner contacted the most famous Japanese celebrity we could think of to get his view of things. We reached Godzilla, or Zilla-G as he is known to his posse, at his palacial Malibu estate.

"Obviously I'm very upset about this whole thing," he said in-between rumrunners, "I mean I was planning to tour China next year. You know, the usual stuff; roar, roar, stomp, stomp, fry a few tanks with the nuclear breath; that sort of thing, but these protests are giving me second thoughts. Just look at the news. They're breaking all the good shit on their own. Sure, they aren't pulling down power lines or anything, but if they trash all the good Japanese restaurants where will I go for sushi after I defeat Mecha-Jiabao(China's primary genetically altered monster defense system)? If this keeps up for much longer I might just cancel the China thing and maybe head for North Korea instead. I understand Kim Jong Il transforms into a 200 foot tall robot with rockets and machine guns and shit. That would kick ass, plus I really like good kim-shee."

Zilla-G went on to express his regrets at the turn of events in China, and wishes them a speedy return to their normally peaceful ways. Then he'll be happy to come back and crush any city they wish...and maybe take in some of the famous Chinese opera.

King Ghidora, Rodan, and Mothra are currently touring with Death Of A Salesman, and could not be reached for comment.


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