Thursday, July 06, 2006

Worst Movie Ever

This is a public service announcement:

Imagine if you will, a 14-year-old boy, whose parents have more money than child rearing skills, who has just finished a marathon movie and Mountain Dew session in which he watched all three Matrix movies, both Underworld movies, whacked off to several episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and La Femme Nakita, and drank 5 two liter bottles of Code Red. He then believes he has a great idea and staggers to his computer where, in about two hours, he cranks out the script for a Science Fiction/Vampire/Not-even-softcore-Porn film he titles Ultraviolet. Chuckling madly to himself, and heaping abuse on the help, he tiptoes up to his father's study where he procedes to badger said dad into pitching the film to some hapless studio who only sees dad's cash cow status and agrees to make the movie. The result: a celluloid turd so unwatchable that Kull the Conquerer seems like Henry V by comparison. This is how I envision the genesis of this cinematic crapfest. Even the presence of Milla Jovovich wearing as little as possible can't make this waste of a DVD watchable. Mrs. Marius had heard that the fight scenes were at least cool, but whoever told her that needs to stay away from the crack pipe and stick to weed so at least they'll forget what they watched. This fetid excuse for a movie almost supplants Manos: The Hands of Fate as the worst movie ever made. The only saving grace is that Milla Jovovich's tummy is more pleasant than Torgo's knees, otherwise it would be a dead heat.

If you haven't seen it, stay clear. If you have seen it, I feel your pain. If you want to see it, think again. This movie sucks far beyond all things that suck. It is a bigger suck than all the Earnest movies combined with Alien3 & 4 all piled on top of The Phantom Menace. I would rather listen to an entire Britney Spears retrospective then ever see any of that movie again. This flick could suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch, and then make the trailer hitch cry. This flick would actually have been improved if Jar Jar was in it. It's like a shit sandwich, with a liquefied haggis chaser. This movie is so bad.......I'd rather sit through Ever After and Kate and Leopold while getting my bikini area waxed with hot tar rather than watch it again. It blows more than hurricane Katrina. It blows more than Barney, and The Power Rangers. It's worse than waking up after a drunken blind date naked in bed next to your grandmother. When I yanked it from my DVD player after an agonizing 45 minutes I wanted to flush the machine out with alcohol just to make sure that it didn't taint any other disc I put in there in the future. And the scariest part...there are deleted scenes on the disc. I can't even imagine the unfathomable depths of shititude they must contain.

In other words, don't watch Ultraviolet.

You have been warned.

4 comments:

Monkey said...

bwah ha ha ha

Great post

Anonymous said...

Ok.. now tell us how you really fell...

Ld.T

Anonymous said...

OMG...I was laughing so hard I started to cry...seriously...I swear the people in my office who thought maybe I was nuts have now confirmed it...Lol
Love ya

Mayi

Michael Friedman said...

Dammit. I love Milla. Can I watch it with the sound off? Will that help?

My worst movie ever is Alien versus Predator. I think I hurled in my mouth several times watching that sorry piece of excrement.