Friday, August 12, 2005

It's the Captain Obvious Show

I heard on the news today that at last night's taping of the Pamela Anderson celebrity roast (and may I say that if Comedy Central scrapes the bottom of the barrel any harder they're going to fall right through it) Courtney Love was so messed up that they will have to edit most of her antics in order to air the show. That's not the blogworthy part of this. The reason I'm writing about an event you couldn't pay me to watch is that they actually seemed surprised by Love's behavior. Isn't that sort of like going outside, taking a deep breath, and turning to the guy next to you and saying, "Holy shit! You can breathe this stuff?!" What did they expect from someone who's public displays of fucked-uppedness can upstage Madonna? The chick makes Green Day at the VMA's seem like Paul McCartney at the Super Bowl. I would think that the reason you invite Courtney Love to any event is to enjoy the inevitable freak show. She's the reigning court jester in the show biz kingdom. The hell with Ted Nugent and Gary Busey, I'd love to see a reality show called I Love Courtney. It would be like a narcotics riddled rodeo. Twelve unsuspecting people are put in a limo with Love, and the last one standing at the end of the night gets a free liver transplant and one year's dialysis.

Another example of high profile 'Duh!' is an ad campaign I have recently seen for NyQuil. Apparantly there are two or three people living in the Himalayas who don't know that NyQuil will knock you out faster than a crack junkie with a stun-gun, so the geniuses at some advertising firm felt it necessary to inform the public that NyQuil will give you "the best sleep ever with a cold'. Nooooo, really? To paraphrase Dennis Leary the reason they keep the stuff tasting so bad (green death and cherry-from-hell) is that by the time your tastebuds are aware of the assault you're on the floor doing your Sunny Von Bulow impression. (look it up, it builds character) Next I expect to see ads for beaches from the same firm that go something like: The Ocean...it's wet!

Every day you hear about some idiot who assumed that 'all natural' means totally harmless (here's a hint, kiddies: turpentine comes from trees, but we don't want to drink it), or that just because there's no lable saying 'putting pencils in your eyes can really suck' it's ok to sue Ticonderoga for his opthamologist bills. I mean I agree that tobacco company executives are some of the most evil people to ever walk this Earth, but I smoked for several years, and not once did I take a deep drag off my Marlboro Light, smack my lips, and go 'Yup, that's gotta be doing wonders for my insides. I'm so glad that RJ Reynolds made these things so good for me.' Idiots roam our streets like extras from a George Romero movie, but contrary to Darwin, they seem to be multiplying. It's Dawn of the Dork, and we few who make an effort to use that bowl of goo inside our craniums are being overwhelmed by a sea of WWE, and Cops, and the Farrelly Brothers, and the absolute belief that there is a kidney stealing prostitute ring in Las Vegas that smuggles drugs in dead children but forgot to turn off their cell-phones before putting gas in their car and were subsequently blown up. We're seeing fewer thinking caps, and more tinfoil hats that deflect the secret CIA mind control beams.

And finally, allow me to finish this rambling rant with this bit of calm, reasoned debate over a concept that has way more adhearants then it should. <>

NO, THE EARTH IS NOT FLAT, YOU MORONS! AND YES, WE DID GO TO THE GOD-DAMNED MOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Um, I seem to have strayed a bit from my original brief, but in a nutshell, sex is more fun than logic. One cannot prove this, but it is, in the same sense that Mount Everest is, or that Alma Cogen isn't.

Thank you.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Marius,
I suppose you'd prefer if everyone just ignored the fact that Courtney Love's husband killed himself. A good friend of mine told me that Kurt took a shotgun and blew his brains out. Killed him instantly.. Had you stopped to render aid, Kurt would not have killed himself. If he did not kill himself, Courtney would be more normal than Sandi Patty. So the next time you witness a domestic disturbance, stop and get involved.
Thanks again for the concern for the possibly dead! Shame Marius Shame!!

Anonymous said...

What an appropriate comment for this particular posting. For shame, indeed.

Marius said...

Ok, I know the first comment was a joke, but do you, the second commentator, have a specific problem with my little rant? I would gladly address your concerns if you will elucidate upon them.

Marius