Sunday, February 03, 2008

More Ponderances

Ok, time for another song related cliche. On the same CD that inspired the 'she meant nothing to me' question is a song with the chorus "A heart that hurts is a heart that works". Faulkner once wrote “Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain”. Do you agree with that? I used to, but after two years of near constant worry, angst, and aggro I'm starting to think that maybe a few months of emotional flatline would be welcome. But, then again, I've never experienced a total lack of emotion, so I can't really say if it would be restful or not. I remember back when my father was alive he got into Trancendental Meditation. We all gathered in the living room, and he tried to help us to totally clear our minds and think of nothing. I must have been all of 8 years old, and was totally unable to stop thinking. Many years later I studied Yoga, and again during the sessions we were supposed to focus solely on our breathing, and on the body twisting poses we were attempting to accomplish. And again, I was never able to shut my mind down. So I cannot imagine what it feels like to experience nothing, which may be why that is my greatest fear...that death is simply nothing. Oblivion. No more me.

Any thoughts, class?


is anyone else having trouble with blogspot's spell check?


Monkey said...

It seems whenever these ideas pop up, they are used to justify the idea that part of love is pain. I don't beleive that is true.

While people who love each other might bump and bruise each other on ocassion, it does not come close to that soul-shaking, why-don't-I-just-die-already heart pain I believe these authors are referencing.

The only thing that could make me feel that way at this point in my life would be if my husband were to unexpectedly die. And I think I would be so devestated by the loss that is might have been better never to have had these years since I fully believe I would never recover.

I don't think I could wake up each day for years and years knowing exactly what I was missing and knowing I will never have it again.

Rosebuckle said...

Monkey, it does seem that loving & being with your husband is worth the risk of his loss, otherwise wouldn't you have chosen not to enter into the relationship? There are no guarantees on how long someone will live.

As far as peace of mind goes. I don't know if I can put this into words, but it's not that your mind shuts down. Haven't you ever been working on a project that you are so focused on that you losse sense of time & you're surroundings? Building a piece of scenery, a weapon, reading a good book, writing or even making love? It's more like that. Meditation is not something that comes easy, that's why it's a "practice". I only started to brush the surface of it after forcing myself to try every day for 60 days ( & I do mean forcing). You are not supposed to feel no emotions, just not let them control you. I wish I could be there to help, I'm very disturbed by your angst. I was only able to hone in on my meditation with the help of others. Is there any place there with a meditation class. Or how about Tai Chi? I found that much more supportive of my practice than Yoga. Yoga is just too static for me.
I leave you with a quote:
"Take it easy, take it easy,
Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy"

Anonymous said...

"A heart that hurts is a heart that works". and “Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain”...I don't see as the same idea.

Given that I have had someone I deeply loved die suddenly in an accident...the moment I was told was "blank"...and continued for a while until confusion and pain took over.
I can't say that I knew how deeply I loved for having lost it...I knew already. The pain of that loss has never left and I am married now to my prayers answered.
Maybe it was because of Stephen's family's faith that helped me to move forward. They so helped me believe that I was not here on this earth to say in one place and not have love. Thank God for them.
They were so excited for me when I had found Kyle and gave us their wholehearted blessing.

I choose to feel it all and try and sort it out.
Letting your mind go blank is hard for me to do, but often times necessary to "re-boot" after a hard day or a hard year.

I don't think meditation and Falkners' "nothing" are the same.
Way too literal, but men usually are.
Now Ms. Rosebuckle, I'll add my song....
"whatever gets you through the's's allright"

Peace out deep thinkers


C.L.J. said...

Meditation and:
FEELING: feel the feeling without being driven by it. Acknowledge it, understand it, and let it go. It's still there; but now you can function as if it were not. Your emotions come FROM you, they are not YOU.

THINKING: this one's a little more complex. We take all the input: sights, sound, sensations, and then our magnificently complicated brains interpret this information and creates a world-view for us; the story of our lives, if you will. This is how we percieve our world and our lives.

As you know from working in theater, we can manipulate this data, and cause you to perceive the world in accordance with that manipulation. But we often overlook that we're already manipulating it ourselves. We choose the flavors we like and dislike, we choose the colors that please us, we choose the features on which we base our sense of aesthetics. Vanilla is 'bland,' beige is 'boring,' chocolate is 'good,' black is 'depressing,' and so on.

The purpose of meditation is to transcend our interpretation of our senses, so we can perceive the world closer to how it actually is instead of the way we believe it to be.

It's not about not thinking; it's about understanding that what you perceive is an artifact of that thinking.

Stinkypaw said...

I agree with the first quote, but at the same time it doesn't have to be. For being in pain most days, I would welcome nothing!

As for meditation it's not easy and as soon as I could get to that "nothingness" I think of it, and then it's all pointless, defeats the purpose. I do believe there is something beyond death, and no matter what it doesn't really scare me.

celebhith said...

Emotional pain or nothing. . . I'll take the pain, but then I always have. I'd much rather feel some pain than nothing at all. "Nothingness" of feeling scares the crap out of me. Borders too much on sociopathology for my taste. Trite as it may sound, emotional pain is what's helped me grow and become the woman I am today and I very much like who I am. I wouldn't be her without that growth (and frankly, nothing but good stuff in your life does NOT help you grow as a person). Now, I'm not advocating daily pain, or even physical pain, but I do believe some pain is needed or you only grow up to be a partial human being (I say this all as an old fart who's been there and back more times than I can count).

Not thinking is another thing entirely. . . I, too, have trouble with yoga and shutting my mind off (it's why I sleep so little. . my body can be exhausted and my litte pea-brain is up partying all night!), but I suspect that's a skill that comes slowly with repeated, REPEATED, tries. For one reason or another, I've not been able to stick with yoga long enough to gain that skill, though I'm going to try again (have you watched INHALE on the Oxygen channel?)You have to TEACH your mind to shut up and, like any small child, it's very resistanta to being told what to do. But I have faith I can do this and I will, just not today probably.

And if I may, P/K, your statement "I choose to feel it all" is exactly what I'm talking about. The blankness you felt initially at the loss of your loved one is nature's novacaine. Numbs you until you can actually deal with the loss and the pain. And I'm so happy for you that your prayers were answered and you got another chance at love and happiness.

Old fart signing off now.

Turtle said...

Sorry to have been absent so long... My computer died, and I only have access to "the net" here at work.

I occassionally enter a state of "nothingness", wherein I think, hear or see nothing. My mind just shuts down. I call it "going to Bermuda". It usually happens when I'm sitting around and the conversation turns to something I have no interest in. I just kind of "fade out".

Love is pain? I don't think so. Being away from your love is pain.

dmarks said...

"We all gathered in the living room, and he tried to help us to totally clear our minds and think of nothing"

And that's when you heard the first booming footsteps of the giant marshmallow man as it tromped toward your house...