Something terrible happened to me last night. I haven't been getting much sleep lately, so I turned in early. I took an Ambien and lay down with a guided relaxation mp3 playing in my ears. I have never been able to meditate, my mind's just too chaotic, but guided relaxation recordings do help. So I'm laying in bed, and the soothing female voice is telling me to focus on my breathing. This is nothing new, and I've gone to sleep many times to that particular track so I didn't expect anything unusual. As she used the term 'the breath of life' I was suddenly, horribly back in the hospital room waiting for my mother to die. Her labored breathing, like a fish carelessly thrown on the pier gasping to survive, echoing in my mind. And nothing I could do would make it go away. I had to face that horrible afternoon again. I had to face my abhorrent, yet natural desire for it to end quickly. My selfish desire to get the fuck out of there. And then that terrible silence.
I did notice something odd, though. My mind was beginning to cover over what she really looked like that day with a nicer image of her sleeping. No missing hair, no slack features. I can't let that happen. I can't let false images of a beatific scene of peaceful passing superimpose itself over the terrible reality of that day. I won't.
I feel so alone right now, even though I'm surrounded by friends and family. It seems sometimes that the only emotion that I truly feel anymore is rage, and all others are just learned responses, a mime's performance. It doesn't seem fair that when we get a physical wound we can easily avoid activities that will aggravate the injury, but mental damage hides in the shadows and waits for the oddest things to tear at the stitches. It is a selfish grief, and selfishly I pour it out here in the hope of some sort of catharsis, and perhaps it will make me feel better, but when that mental scab tore away I felt like I'd be punched in the stomach. How can you hide from your own thoughts?
I really hope that this makes sense, because I can't bear to reread it for spelling and grammar. And I also hope, dear friends, that you didn't get this far. Sorry to be a downer, but I needed to get these things out into the light.