And Now, The End Is Near...

So National Blog Post Month, or NAMBLA, is over. I want to thank all of you who helped me complete this Sisyphean task. Your comments, suggestions, and ideas made it all so easy. I really can't believe November is over. This month was so full of stuff that it rocketed by. I look at the calendar and see things like A Midsummer Night's Dream and realize that rather than monolithic horizon lurkers, they are things done and gone and I wonder how I missed them. I oft times marvel at that bizarre dichotomy of human perception. I first noticed it in basic training, or after basic I should say. I looked back and it seemed like the 30 days went by so fast, and yet I remembered every agonizing minute as if it lasted an hour. How can things feel so interminable, and yet so fleeting? Scientists have seen the areas of the brain where decisions are made become active only after the decision has occurred, so does that mean that we react instinctively, and then our brains do a bit of retcon to make it seem that we actively decided something? Or is it simply that the scientists have yet to be able to fathom the data they are receiving? And what about people who, after having 'suppressed memories' excavated firmly believe they have been abducted by aliens? If our memories can be manipulated can we ever trust our senses? We think that we interpret the world in real time, but actually the totality of our experiential references are memories, and therefore subject to manipulation by either internal or external forces. This thought was made very clear to me after my post about my accident with the table saw. One who was there commented that I got part of the story wrong. It was part that had always puzzled me; I remembered being gently teased for being overly polite while I was bleeding and struggling against going into shock, but I didn't recall saying anything that would have incurred that reaction. After reading my account herein, Deb pointed out that, rather than ask if someone would take me to the hospital, I actually said that if someone could tell me how to get there I could drive myself. Two very different recollections, and hers made more sense. As soon as she told me that, my memory of the conversation realigned itself to reflect this more accurate version, and it all fell into place. But if I had never wrote that post, my version of the events would have continued to be flawed, though I would never have known it. Accurate, to me, but not reflecting reality. Things like this give me pause, and give me great doubts about the legal system. Since we can never be 100% sure of our own recollections, how can we base the life or death of others on those inherently flawed perceptions?
Hmm, this certainly went in a direction I never planned. I'd like to say that I consciously decided to connect NoBloPop to the death penalty, and given enough time I could convince myself that that is exactly what happened, but in reality I just started typing, and this is what fell out.

At least that's what I think happened.

Peace, Friends.
Marius

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

As we enter the penultimate day of NoBloBopSheBopSheBop, I was fretting. The tank was empty, the brain a shrivelled cranio-raisin, the mind a blank. Oh, Lords of Weirdness, quoth I in desperation, send unto me a miracle of the absurd. And there was a loud Hosanna, and a fusillade of trumpets did sound, and magically my browser of its own accord bestowed upon me this boon:


It is called the TwoDaLoo, and it is a real, $1400 toilet for two. It supposedly can help a rocky marriage recover by promoting increased closeness, and I know I can't count the number of times I thought to myself, "I really love my wife, but wouldn't it be nice if we could crap together, too?"

But wait dear Marius, some of you might utter. Did not the jesters of Saturday Night Live make of this concept a sketch-like thing? Ah, yes my child. They did indeed

Isn't it wonderful that just when you have given up on figuring out why things went the way they did, the Universe offers up the answers? Now I see what went wrong with all those women in the past. If only we could have not wasted those minutes spent in agonizing lavatorial seclusion, I might have been celebrating my 30th wedding anniversary along with our 15 children today. Oh cruel Providence! Why did you take so long to create this marvelous device?!
And the comedy doesn't stop with just the photo. The write up for this ridiculous thing is equally ludicrous. Behold:
The TwoDaLoo is billed as the world's first toilet two people can use ... at the exact same time. It brings couples closer together and conserves our water supply all with one flush. The TwoDaLoo features two side-by-side toilet seats with a modest privacy wall in between. An upgraded version includes a seven inch LCD television and iPod docking station
So the double shitter promises to bring couples 'closer together' yet offers an optional TV and Ipod dock just in case you get bored with each other? Priceless.

And now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to wake my wife up so we can take a leak.

}:-)

Marius

Not The Best Way to Lose Weight

I am terrible with dates. I'd barely remember my own birthday if folks didn't bring it up first. But there is one date that is forever burned into my brain. Thursday, May 5, 1994. That was the day that I tried, unsuccessfully, to hold hands with a running table saw. Rosebuckle and C.L., please feel free to correct me if I get any of this tale wrong. I was working for a now-defunct theatre in Jupiter, Florida. It was the first day of the build for The Music Man, and I had the unfortunate task of ripping 1x3s. To do this required the use of the table saw. This is a largeish saw that is used to make long, wide boards into long narrow boards. It is a ferocious and unforgiving device, but quite necessary, and safe when used properly. It is also very loud, so I tend to wear ear plugs when using it. On this day I had been ripping for at least an hour when my one of my coworkers brought me a whole new stack to cut. Here is where I made my first mistake. Rather than turn the saw off, walk away, and get my bearings back, I just started in on the new stack. Unfortunately I didn't realize that I was in the grip of a form of white-line fever. The job was so repetitive, and the ear plugs so isolating, that I began paying more attention to my inner voice than to the spinning blade in front of my. This did not last long, however. As I finished a cut, and was absent-mindedly reaching for the next board I heard a loud 'thwump!', and a short, sharp shock ran up my arm to my elbow. 'Dammit!' I thought. 'I've cut myself.' Then it dawned on me just what tool I was working with, and I realized that I had done quite more than 'just cut myself'. I unclenched my right fist from around my left thumb and witnessed the havoc wrought there. It looked like the end of my thumb had been exploded from within. Mental shock mixed with disbelief flooded my mind and I began to slowly walk away from the saw. Part of my mind worried about leaving the saw running, since that is a big safety no-no, but the rest of my mind shouted that I had a bigger worry. By this time Deb, who was in command of the shop, had noticed that something was wrong and came over to me. I told her that I had just cut my thumb off, and then the dizziness inspired me to sink to my knees, since that seemed a better choice than falling down. She asked if I wanted and ambulance, and later teased me for my politeness in the face of dismemberment because I responded that no, I didn't think I needed an ambulance, but if someone wouldn't mind driving me to a hospital I'd be grateful. I think Chris asked if he should look for the thumb, but there really wouldn't have been anything to look for, or so I thought(more on that later) so I told him no. I remember being remarkably calm through the whole affair, although the ride from the shop to the hospital is a blurred jumble of nausea and self-recrimination. There was an intern working in the shop then, whose name I cannot recall, who was a lovely, sweet and very hard working young woman. In my somewhat distracted state I gave her the unpleasant job of calling my mom, with whom I was living at the time, to tell her that I was going to the hospital. When we arrived at the hospital and the two ladies helped me out of the car, we realized I was still wearing my tool belt. The intern immediately knelt in front of my and removed it. Just to show you that the male pig-brain is indefatigable, I actually thought to myself 'of all the times for this fantasy to come true...' The following week was spent in the hospital with my hand hanging from an IV stand. I got very lucky that the on-call doctor that day was also a very skilled hand surgeon who spent two hours rebuilding the end of my thumb whereas most doctors would have just cut it off at the knuckle and been done with it. As it is I lost 3/4", but the nail grew back and most people don't notice it unless I point it out. It was three weeks before I was strong enough to go back to the shop to visit, and at that time they presented me with a gift. Chris had taken the boards that had been on the saw at the time of the accident, and had been sprayed with blood, and stapled them together to preserve the pattern. He gave them to me telling me that they saved my thumb for me. Most people thought that was pretty gross, but I thought it was hilarious, and saved those board for more than a decade. My brother also came down to visit, bringing with him a thimble with a hook sticking out of it for me to wear.
All in all I was out of work for three months, and cost Workman's Comp untold thousands of dollars. You never know how much you use your thumbs until you can't any more. Thing like tying your shoes, or buttoning a shirt, or driving a stick shift all become infinitely more difficult with only one hand, and let me tell you that the elastic waistbands of underwear are not your friend when you only have one hand. So appreciate the parts you've got, gentle readers, for unlike the lizard's tail, our bits don't grow back.

Marius

Retagged

Dammit! Just as the pain in my ear from Stinkypaw's tag was starting to subside, The Purple Pigeon tags me again! Well, at least the tranq dart lets me take a nice nap. Ok, Pidgey, here are seven more weirdnesses about yours truly.

1. Despite the fact that I put on plays for a living, I hate being in an audience.

2. I would love to learn to speak Russian.

3. For a brief time I seriously considered getting my tongue pierced.

4. I have only seen 2 episodes of Friends in their entirety.

5. I think the SR-71 Blackbird is the coolest aircraft ever invented.

6. I firmly believe that there are, at most, 3 different kinds of shampoo in the world. There are, however, thousands of labeling options.

7. The only time I miss the end of my left thumb is when I have to wear a dress shirt and I have to button the sleeves.

Ok, gotta get back to work. Hugs to you, Pigeon. It'll get better eventually.

Marius

Zzzzzz..mrph!

If I Go Crazy Then...

Yesternight, though I know not wherefore, a thought-memory came unbidden to my mind. Many years ago, and no doubt after some intense study of Colombian horticulture, the great wizard Rico Sanchez and I pondered the creation of a compilation album to compete with the mighty and awful K-Tel corporation. This was long before such wond'rous things as CDs and Itunes, so it was more a thought experiment than anything else. We thought to create a library of all songs that mention The Last Son of Krypton. Back then it would have been very labor, not to mention cost intensive, but today it seems quite possible. Here's where you come in. I need your brains, my musically gifted friends. Think o'nt and if you would send me herein any song you can remember that speaks of the Man of Steel. If you know the band name that's great, but not necessary. Even if you only remember a snippet of the lyrics that's helpful too. Any and all assistance in this regard will be greatly appreciated. And, once the project is complete, I will send you a copy of the disc.

Con mucho gusto,
Marius

Too Cool

What do you get when you combine an old laptop with an electric guitar? Psychedelic sweetness, that's what.

Umm, Hello, Geiko?

How do you call your insurance company and file a claim for 'falling cow'? Unfortunately a Manson, Washington man had to do just that. A 600 pound cow fell off of a cliff on November 6th and crushed his minivan. The man was quoted as repeatedly saying "I don't believe this." This reminds me of the time a motorist neglected to notice that the road he was on dead-ended in a fence, then our shed, then the back of our house. Fortunately he ran into the laundry room, so no one was hurt. Unfortunately he ran away and was never caught as far as I know. The steering column of the car was bent, presumable by his chest, so I can't imagine he got very far. I thought it was pretty funny at the time, but my folks, understandably, didn't. So what's the weirdest automotive accident/encounter you've experienced?

Marius

Over the River and Through the Everglades

Hello, Blends, and thanks for your patience over the holiday with my perfunctory postage. It was a bit of a whirlwind, but it was also totally worth the drive. And, as is usual in my solipsistic universe, the Gods-O-Irony(tm) were fully awake and active on Wednesday. The plan was that Mrs. Marius and I would go to work, and leave as soon as humanly possible to begin the drive south. Things at the school were quite quiet, and as I had the COTA in tow (she had no school on Wed.) I was able to depart my place of employment around noon. I prepared my goodly vessel for its voyage, giving her all the needed fluids and vapors to make the trip a success, and arrived at our domicile around 1:30. I quickly packed my stuff, loaded the car, and settled in to await my lovely bride.
At this point it is necessary to point out that one of the primary reasons that we have been in some financial distress of late is that her waitressing job was providing her with very few hours. Normally if she were scheduled to work 10-5, she'd be lucky to stay til 1:30 before being sent home. Now, for those of you who have tangled with the aforementioned capricious deities, you might see what's coming. We figured that she would be done with work by 3 at the absolute latest, and planned for an optimal launch window of 3:30, getting us to West Palm Beach by dinner time. Alas, since we wanted her to be cut early, she was there until 4:15. That doesn't seem like much of a problem, except that would put our departure, after she came home and got cleaned up, right in the midst of the evening rush. So rather than leave town at 2 miles per hour, we decided to wait til 6. The drive down was uneventful, although I am totally sick of SUV driving idiots who don't know how to drive the damned things! They lumber into traffic and accelerate at the same pace that snails screw, and just generally make a nuisance of themselves. But I digress.
We arrived at the In-Law's without incident, and I proceeded to relax. We chatted, I read, and then crashed. Thanksgiving morning I slept in and loved it. I always sleep really well at my In-Law's, and I chalk it up to a combination of a really comfortable bed in the guest room, and the fact that I can relinquish command while I'm there. I love my family, but they aren't the best at turning things off, or putting things away, or cleaning things up, so if I don't keep the reminders going the place gets out of hand rather quickly. My MIL is very good at taking care of things at her house, so I get to relax. So, anyway, we spent a chill morning doing lots of nothing while my wife and her mother plotted their strategy for Black Friday. Black Friday, for those of you lucky enough to not live in the US, is the busiest, and most insidious, shopping day of the year. It's the Friday after Thanksgiving, and many stores have major sales that start as early as midnight on Thursday night, and many women consider it as big a challenge as any wild boar hunt. I usually stay as far away from any place of purveyance as possible on that day, since the unwary shopper can easily lose life or limb should they drop their guard for even a moment.
So once the battle plan was formed, I bundled wife and kid into my well rested car and off we went to visit my 'rents. It was a nice visit, and one with a magical moment in it. Many years ago I became the daddy of a little black kitten named Ripley. She is a bit of a weird cat. Her mom contracted some sort of virus during her gestation, the result of which is that Ripley seems to be perpetually drunk. She staggers, and stumbles, but is otherwise ok. Well, except for the fact that she has never been an overly affectionate animal. She lived with me for about a year, then I moved in with my friends K&T and their two cats. Unfortunately Ripley simply would not tolerate the other two, and I ended up having to send her to live with my folks. Nowadays whenever I go visit, if she comes out at all, she will sniff me and tolerate a few scratches on her head before she runs off to hide in the bedroom. Thursday was no different...so I thought. At one point Ripley come out of the bedroom, and slowly came over to me. I let her sniff my hand, and then to my utter surprise she rubbed her cheek against my fingers and let me pet her for a good five minutes. It was almost like she was forgiving me after all these years. It was very sweet.
After a very nice visit with the folks and critters we went back to the In-Law's. Dinner was awesome. Turkey, cornbread stuffing, sweet potato and green bean casseroles, and salad. We picked up chicken nuggets for the COA since she announced that she doesn't like turkey...a fussier eating child you won't find...and she ate without having to be told too often. Later, after I had passed out on the couch for a bit, we played SCRABBLE, and in a universal upset I won! I would like to point out that my Father-in-Law is a newspaper editor, so a SCRABBLE victory is hard won(quinces and jiving both on triple letter scores, thank you very much).
Friday morning Mrs. Marius and MIL sallied forth to brave the throngs, and I did as little as possible. We met for lunch at a lovely new Mediterranean restaurant...nothing beats cous cous and good hummus...and then wifey and I headed home. The COA stayed with her grandparents til tomorrow, and we spent a quiet evening eating the care package of leftovers MIL made us and watching the tube. Even though there was a lot of driving over the last two and a half days, there was also a lot of much needed resting. Tomorrow I have to drive half-way back to rendezvous with the MIL and pick up the young'n, then it's back to the grind on Monday.
And there was much rejoicing. :-)

Marius

D'oh!

My turn to be a sloth. We drove back from the southern reaches of our fair peninsula today, and as I was dozing on the couch I just realized that I darned near missed today's entry. I am too tired to do much now, but tomorrow I will relate the tale of the trip.

Night, night. Sleep tight.

Mariuzzzzzzzzzzzz

Bo Shuuda!

Good...urrrp!...dinner.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

On this day I give thanks to all my friends here at The Corner, whether they be the old guard like Celebhith, Chris, Duke, KA, Queen Bad Kitty, Rico, Rosebuckle, Targon, or Turtle; or newer friends like Catt,the Monkey, Pigeon, Sheep and her kitties, Stinkypaw, and ZoZo. I thank you for your words, your thoughts, and your comments. I thank you for your blogs, or simply your words of wisdom and/or silliness. I thank you for taking this medium which can be so impersonal and keeping a human face on all these zipping electrons. And most of all I thank you for keeping me blogging for more than two years. You guys rock!!! And if there is anyone reading this whose name I left out, I beg your forgiveness and say that you, as well, rock!!! :-)

Love and turkey,
Marius

Oh Canada

Hi, folks, and welcome to a fully functional edition of The Corner. Sorry about yesterday. I started getting a headache late yesterday afternoon, and by the time I got home I felt like total ass. I tried to come up with a decent blog entry, but all that dribbled out of my malfunctioning brain were the few lines of drivel that appeared herein yesternight. I beg your forgiveness, gentle readers, and hope to make amends anon. And now, the news.

On September 15th an American truck flipped and burned during an accident at the Fort Erie Peace Bridge on the U.S.-Canadian border. Two Canadian border guards, Terry MacArthur and Derek Weston, risked their lives to pull 55-year-old Leslie Hammond from the wreckage and get him safely away from the conflagration. Yesterday Hammond was taken by ambulance to the border where he and his family had a tearful reunion with the men who saved his life. He could not speak, but there were tears in his eyes as he shook hands with his saviors. His wife and sister were there to thank the men for him. The two gentlemen are to receive bravery awards from the Niagara Police Dept.

Closer to home, the clan Marius will be headed south tonight to join the MIL and FIL for Thanksgiving. I fear we will only be in town until first thing Friday morning, so pray forgive us if we limit this visit to immediate family. December, however, is the time when working for a religiously affiliated school really pays off, and I shall be in town for a good portion of it, so visits aplenty will ensue.

And now it's time for...The Obligatory Hypothetical Audience Participation Question!

Perhaps you have heard of the SETI project, which scans the heavens for any signs of artificially generated radio signals. I say they are going about it the wrong way. I think rather than passively looking to the stars, we should broadcast one song that will entice alien civilizations to want to hear more from our tiny little chunk of rock. A sort of cosmic PR campaign. Given that such a signal would need to cross millions of miles of empty space, compression is vital. Therefore the transmission can only be a maximum of ten minutes long. What one song should we broadcast, and why? I'll post my answer tomorrow.

Give me your hands if we be friends, and Marius will restore amends.

Thanks for your patience,
M

Adrift

Synapses cease, struggle to fire, then silence. Memories trickle, concepts fade, and blog entries suck.


Me do better tomorrow.

Marius

To the Blogphone

I have a request for all y'all.(and for those of you outside the South, all y'all is good grammar) Many of you, especially Stinkypaw, have lots of other blogs linked to your site. I would like to expand my blogosphere horizons, but I just don't have the time to read all those other blogs, since I like to go back to the beginning and read if not all, at least some of the person's earlier posts. Given what you have learned, or know about me, can you recommend some other blogs that I might enjoy, or that everyone must read?

Gracias.
Marius

Tagged

So yesterday I'm walking along, minding my own business, staring at people trying to make their brains explode, when I feel a tiny sting on the back of my neck. Suddenly the world spun and faded to black. When I awoke after who knows how long my ear hurt. I quickly looked in the mirror that just happened, for the purpose of this torturously drawn out intro, to be attached to a nearby telephone pole. Damn! I said looking at the metal label hanging from my left lobe. I've been tagged! Then I realized I was clutching something in my hand. Looking down I beheld two stale Oreos(tm) and a slip of paper. On the paper were the following words:
You’ve been tagged!

Here are the rules:
a. Link to your tagger and post these rules.
b. Share 7 facts about yourself: some random, some weird.
c. Tag 7 people at the end of your post and list their names (linking to them).

So I ate the cookies(hey, stale Oreos(tm) are better than no Oreos(tm) at all) and realized that the note was written with a French accent. That meant the culprit had to be Stinkypaw. Very well, madame, you have been duly linked, and now on to the dirt.

1. There are two literary devices I despise. One is mistaken identity, which is why I loathe The Comedy of Errors. The other is when there is a character with some sort of superhuman powers, i.e. Superman, and then those powers are taken away. If I wanted to see the adventures of Normalman I wouldn't have to buy a movie ticket or buy a bleeding book, I'd just ride the bus!!

2. While most people have a recurring dream that they are about to take a test that they haven't studied for, I keep dreaming that I'm about to fight in an SCA tournament(full contact medieval combat) and I've forgotten some or all of my armor, and I spend the rest of the dream running around trying to borrow enough gear to stay in the tourney.

3. Beets make me gag.

4. In my youth I fulfilled the classic male fantasy: a threesome. And yes, it is all it's cracked up to be. :-)

5. While I love to swim and SCUBA dive, lakes terrify me.

6. So do tree frogs.

7. With the exception of The Mask, The Truman Show, and Bruce Almighty I can't stand Jim Carrey. Adam Sandler as well, but without any exceptions.

There you go. Stuff you never wanted to know about me, and now you can't get out of your head. You're welcome. ;-)

And now I load the Marlin Perkins memorial dart gun and...

phoot!
Turtle
phoot!
Rabid Attack Sheep
phoot!
Celebhith
phoot
Loki
phoot!
PIKARESQUE
phoot!
Jeana
phoot!
Rosebuckle

Tag! You're it!! Now I need some ice for my ear, and a glass of milk.

Marius the Emo Thief

OhBlahDeeOhBlaDah

So here we are, just over half way through NaBlaSaMaCraRaMaLaMaDingDong and what have we achieved? I have seen wondrous things coming from the keyboards of folks like Monkey, whose exploits in seasonal confections and extemporaneous nudism make for great diversionary reading. Or Mdme. Stinkypaw, with tales of personal heroism and woe out of the Great White North that both illuminate and entertain. And the lovely and talented Purple Pigeon whose delightfully British way with words is only exceeded by her way with drawing pigeons, always brings a smile. And what of Marius...what of Marius...
Is a blog about blogging a valid subject, or merely literary masturbation just to meet an arbitrary post quota? Don't know...don't care. Gonna do it anyway. When I started this blog just prior to our escape from Louisiana I expected a few people would read it from time to time, mostly family, and that like all of my prior attempts to journalize my existence it would fade away after a few months. But almost immediately something changed in my brain and I started seeing the world through the lens of whether or not something was blog-worthy. I can't help wonder if it had something to do with Orson Scott Card's Ender series of books. In the series he predicts the Internet to some degree, and the protagonists create an online persona that foments unrest and introspection in a galaxy gone ambivalent. I always loved that concept, and I suppose a small part of my subconscious imagined me to be Demosthenes anew.(Demosthenes was the nom de plume of the characters in the books) So I suppose it is not all that surprising that I continue to blog after all. But the fact that anyone actually reads my blog on purpose still blows me away. And further, based on the polling results, the type of posts y'all dig best are the ones I figured were the most boring. You actually enjoy posts like this one, where we just..well...chat. I am a bit disappointed that my political diatribes ranked the lowest. I guess Anderson Cooper's job is safe for the moment. ;-) But I hope you'll forgive me for the occasional dig at the ludicracity of politics.
To bring this ramble to a close, let me just thank all of you for visiting my little corner of the intertubes. It thrills me to no end when you come by and leave a comment, but even if you only lurk you have my undying thanks.

And now, breakfast. Cheers, mates!

Marius

Too Cute

If I don't share this picture I'll be crushed by its overpowering cuteness.


moar funny pictures

E. T.?

Ok, I haven't mentioned this since I didn't want to whine overly much, but things have been rather strained here at Castle Marius financially. Mrs. Marius has been working as a waitress since July, but her bosses treat their employees like they are all teenagers working for extra gas money, so she's been getting at best 15 hours a week. Over the summer she went through a very lengthy application process to get a more stable government related job, at the end which she was told that she passed all the requirements and would then be put on the list of potential applicants should an opening arise. Great. So it's been a bit tight round here. My pay keeps us in the house, but little else. Fortunately that is all about to end since the government agency(I'm going to be cagey about the specifics of this until I know it's ok to blog about)finally called and she will start with them next week. So why am I bringing all this up now? Because last week our phone got turned off. We barely use the thing, and since we couldn't do anything about it until I got paid on Thursday there was no use fretting about it. But now, after nearly a week without it I'm thinking we should just abandon the landline altogether. We both have a cell phone, and the computer is on cable, so do we really need a monthly bill for something we can easily get elsewhere? Have any of you gotten rid of your landline? How has that worked out for you?

Marius the Curious

Do You Like Movies About Gladiators?

What does it take to shock an old pro like Kirk Douglas? I guess a lip-lock from John Travolta might just do it. Douglas had just presented a lifetime achievement award to the Hairspray star at the Santa Barbara Film Festival when Travolta expressed his gratitude. While initially a bit taken aback, Douglas went on to pose for many smiling photos with Travolta during the evening.